It's best to start at the beginning

And so it begins...

For those of you not familiar with me, I am Devchelle2, aka Rob. This is the first time I'm doing anything like this so bear with me. Things like punctuation have never been a part of my skill set so forgive me for butchering the English language. I have always wanted to do something like this but never had the confidence to put my words and thoughts down this way. Fear is a powerful thing, last time I checked its the path to the dark side. So, here I am, facing my fear and trying to make sense of who I am and why I am where I am.

I grew up in a rural community in North West New Jersey and still live there to this day. Its all I've ever really known and all the people in this world who are important to me live nearby. I'm not well traveled, well read, or cultured by any means. I accept the fact I had been sheltered a great deal of my life and have made an effort in recent years to broaden my horizons.  I found it difficult in this environment to come to terms with being gay. I never had any gay role models or friends, in fact growing up I was the only gay person I knew, and it was terrifying. I knew I had thoughts and desires that the other guys didn't have and I did my best to fit in. That's no easy task when you live in red neck country, surrounded by confederate flags, guys with guns, and where the local pastime is cutting down trees... seriously. To be different was bad, very bad and would be met with ignorance, bigotry, and hatred. I was teased enough as it was because I didn't play any sports, no baseball, football, or basketball for me. I didn't play or watch, i just had no interest but everyone around me immersed themselves in the games. I didn't do tricks on my bike, ride a skateboard, or ski, and since I grew up in a town with a major ski resort a lot of people thought it was odd I never developed a desire to try. I was too busy. I had things that caught my interest that were less physical and took up a lot of my time and energy, like drawing, painting, and poetry. When I was a kid I read ferociously... until I started to write that is. As a kid, as young as 6 or 7, I was already writing short stories and poems. I even wrote a children's book when I was in second grade that was displayed proudly in the school library for everyone to see. I wanted to develop my own style so I stopped reading things that would influence me. Not a good decision, but hey, I was a kid! Yea, I was one of those little skinny nerds.

Being the middle child of five I was never alone as a kid but I was lonely. I was out of step with my peers and often pondered if I was born in the wrong decade. I always the thought the 60s is where I belonged. My brother was a tough guy, started smoking young, getting high, sneaking out to go drinking and I was the guy to help him sneak back into the house when he came home drunk. I spent most of my time alone, developed a love of rock and roll, and wrote song lyrics that would never meet music.

High school was tough. By the time I was in high school there was no doubt about it, I KNEW I was different. I was ashamed and hated myself. I wanted nothing more than to be like everyone else.  I just wanted to be NORMAL. This was also the mid 80s and the height of the AIDS epidemic. The message was clear GAY=DEAD. This was the world I came to age in, scary and unforgiving. I never came out to anyone, never revealed my feelings, I did the best I could to play straight in a world that would destroy me if they knew. And the kids I went to school with somehow knew I was different. I just didn't fit in, no matter how hard I tried. Kids called me fag on a daily basis, the would make hand gestures mimicking " a limp wrist" and through my entire school career I never had a girlfriend, even tho I tried, desperately. I was bullied non-stop. Even going home wasn't safe, guys I went to school with would show up at my house to tease me, throw rocks through our windows, even start fired in front of my house.  It was hell. I quit school as soon as I could.

There was a local bar that held a teen dance night every Friday night, the Hay Loft. I would go there with my brother and my sister to go dancing. It was one of the few outlets I had. It was pretty funny, kids act the same way in a bar setting that adults do.  There were teenage boys sitting at the bar drinking non alcoholic beer, guys at the pool table smoking like chimneys and all the girls were in and out of the ladies room unloading entire bottles of aqua net  on their heads, becoming walking fire hazards. And me? I liked to dance. I danced my ass off! And there, on the dance floor, I met HER. My first girlfriend. This tiny little girl dancing just a few feet from me. Her friends pushed us together and we exchanged phone numbers. The first, and believe it or not the last, phone number I ever got.

She pursued me for 2 years after that. I was reluctant to get involved, I was still trying to figure out who I was and I knew any serious relationship would end in pain. She never gave up tho, calling as often as she could and walking past my house several times a week, until I relented.

And so it goes...

If people find this interesting, let me know. I'll continue the story in a second blog. I just figured this was as good place to start as any other.